I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
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I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
Become ungovernable.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size