How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
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Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Helpful tip: Don’t write out your grocery list while watching a true crime documentary on a husband-murdering wife, or your husband might think you’re taking notes when he walks into the room.