The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
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I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?