This is no longer winter this is harassment
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Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.