Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
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Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
my first day as a raccoon
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.