When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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Me when someone tries to get to know me
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.