me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
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I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Okay me first
Carpe DM
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.