HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
You Might Also Like
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.