Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat