In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
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I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.