[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
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13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen