I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
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ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Beware…..
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI