ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
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12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.