At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin