*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
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My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please