Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day