I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
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*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.