[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
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[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?