Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
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I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.