Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
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First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.