Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
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A short story about romance.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Just a reminder, folks:
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.