A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
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I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
I’m Sold!
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.