Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
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The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks