Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
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I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages