In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
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FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I am also baked goods
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
There’s always that one guy
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Breaking news:
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.