A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
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Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Siri: Retweet me.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.