God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
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My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.