Time for evil
You Might Also Like
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Why is vanilla a synonym for boring? Vanilla is delicious. Imagine a world without vanilla. It would be so oregano.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!