The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
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I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
doing your own taxes
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!