Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
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don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived