Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
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they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Any refunds available?…
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.