[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
You Might Also Like
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.