[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
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Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Breaking news:
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
This makes total sense…
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.