“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.