Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
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Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
The Sun
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”