Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
You Might Also Like
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
next level snooze
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
U talkin 2 me?
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.