Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
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Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
All is fair in drunk and war.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Meanwhile in Portland…
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Not today.. 😂
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”