I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]