[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
You Might Also Like
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal