At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
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waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Got ya covered
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that