Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.

Do you have any motivational books?

Yeah, they’re in the back.

(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.

Now I just hate yours.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

Many hands make light work

Name this drama.

[at pet store]

“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”

“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.

American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?

Date: I like old fashioned guys

Me: I have polio

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

Name another movie that mislead you?

Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

son: i caught a tadpole!

me: actually that’s a dadpole

son: i’m confused

*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:

Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.