I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
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Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?