‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
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I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is