Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
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My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
*gets down on one knee*
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.