Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
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When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
A sick whale is called an unwhale
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.