My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
When you let grandma cat sit
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”