I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
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Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Never forget.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
R.I.P.