Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
You Might Also Like
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
hmm conte-me mais
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet