when nothing goes right… go left
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Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
This could be us… but you playing
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.