@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
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WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
*jazz hands*
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’